Quality vs Quantity, Friendship vs Friends

This past year, I have continued to spend a good deal of time thinking about being in the “middle” of life and the need for connection. No doubt, my recent move to the river country sharpened my desire for and my scrutiny of the so-called connections I make. A recent conversation with a friend has continued to drive this notion home for me. More specifically, our conversation really has me thinking about the idea of friendship…how we define friendships …how they can or cannot fulfill our desire to feel or be connected with others.

So let me take you WAY back for a moment…

One of my earliest, most vivid memories of a friend may sound a bit strange. You see, I grew up with a small church on the corner, a good ten or so houses down from my house. At one point my mother and aunt attended regularly and brought me with them. Somewhere along the way, they stopped going, but I was allowed to continue to go on my own, walking myself to and from Sunday School every Sunday. I remember the long yellow dress and white patent leather Mary Jane shoes I must have worn every Sunday. It was an old Easter outfit that made me feel like a princess. I was the oldest child in the Sunday School class I attended, but I don’t truly remember the other kids who were there. I do remember the felt storyboards and cut outs of the various Bible characters, especially Jesus, who filled my imagination with awe and wonder and hope. On the walks back from church, I would talk to Jesus as if He were right there beside me. I would even pretend to hold His hand as I skipped up the hill and down the road back to my house. During those times, I was never alone. Jesus was my friend. He walked with me, and He talked with me. He was always there, a steady and real companion in my life. I felt wanted, loved, safe, content, and happy – everything I would long for in an earthly friend. So, Jesus, you can say, was my first true friend, and He has certainly raised the bar in terms of my expectations of what a friend is and what it means to be in a friendship.

However, I must admit, I have struggled with friendships throughout my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have had many friends, but I am amazed at how, while the friend remains, the actual friendship has all but disappeared from my life. You can blame it on time and circumstance – being at different places, literally and figuratively, that created the distance in our lives. We drifted apart and now, if at all, when we happen to reconnect, it often feels shallow and awkward. Of course, there will always be those friends that transcend space and time – the ‘pick up where we left off’ variety of friends, but they are not a constant presence in my life, sharing my current life experiences, hopes, dreams, and aspirations (yes, aspirations – even at 53). While my ‘best friend’ husband of 28 years fits the bill, I find myself needing, wanting more friendships like this in my life, at least a couple really – quality versus quality.

Now, if you are still reading this, let me now try to tie all this rambling together. First, let’s dig a little deeper into the definition of a friend. The Greek word for friend is philia and it refers to love based on mutual respect, shared devotion, joint interests, and common values. Ancient philosophers claimed it to be the highest form of love because it implies a reciprocity and ‘brotherhood,” unlike eros which is a more sensual or passionate love and agape which is the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human love for God.

As social creatures, it is no wonder that we seek to have philia in our lives, those with whom we respect and share things in common. But friends and friendship are different. The whole idea of a friend is the act of engaging, participating, being a “part of.” Therefore, friendships are the progressive action part of being a friend.

Our social media accounts are bloated with more ‘followers’ and ‘friends’ than we could have ever imagined. We post the best highlights from our curated lives and equate ‘likes’ with genuine love and affection. But do all those individuals truly engage in friendship?

Friendships are relationships and relationships take time and effort. They must be nurtured and cared for. Sure, we all have friends who are more like family…those with whom we do not engage with on a regular basis, but those with whom we know we can ‘pick up where we let off’ or reach out to at any time when we need support or comfort or just a friendly hello. It’s the everyday type of friends that I am talking about. If we are honest with ourselves, we probably do not have many friends we engage in friendship.

So how to get to the friendship stage with friends? I believe there is a progression to developing a friendship, an evolution, if you will. One way to think about the progression is WALK, STAND, SIT. It’s a Biblical principle that is sometimes used to illustrate the progression of sin, but I think it can apply here.

The WALKING stage is very casual, a passing sort of encounter with someone with no real commitment.

The STANDING stage, on the other hand, requires both parties to pause and engage, usually because there are shared interests or values. There is a degree of reciprocity, but again, no lasting commitment.

The SITTING stage requires more dedication and focus. It is an invitation to stay with someone with the intent and purpose to genuinely get to know them and to cultivate a bond that is based on mutual respect, interests, and values. It involves reciprocal attention and invitation for more connection.

There are numerous tips and techniques for meeting people, however, what is consistently true, moving from the casual friend to the committed friendship takes time and effort AND it must be with someone who wants to reciprocate and take the same time and effort to develop the friendship. One study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that it can take around 300 hours to form a lasting friendship with someone. Think about that. If we were to spend just 2 hours a day with someone trying to progress in friendship, it would take 150 days to achieve a “best friend” status.

Over the last year, I have come to learn that even though I may have a desire to go deeper with some people, they may not want to go deeper in relationship with me. They have no interest in developing a true friendship with me and they are content to keep our friend status as casual. I’ve spent fruitless hours trying to invite people into my life for deeper connection, but to no avail. And to be honest, it has taken me a good minute to get beyond the feelings of loneliness and perceived rejection to realize that they simply do not have the same need or interest in wanting to spend time with me, and that’s ok. Even though my desire to truly connect on a deeper level remains, I no longer obsess with trying to force friendships. I am finally learning that some people are here to just walk with me on a casual basis for a time -- a friendly chat, a party or two here and there. And there are folks who want to stop a bit to get to know me, and even fewer that will want to sit a while with me, sharing, caring, and genuinely wanting to be part of my life and I with theirs…Quality versus Quantity – Friendship versus Friends.